In her book "How You Can Survive When They're Depressed," secular author Anne Sheffield coins the term "depression fallout." She writes,
"Living with a
husband, wife, lover, parent, or child who views the world through a
prism of despair is a daunting task. Proximity to them gives rise to
many of the same feelings as does the illness itself: futility,
worthlessness, and an inability to enjoy or cope with life . . .
Depression and depression fallout are mirror images of each other,
distinguishable by the fact that the former is a recognized illness and
treatable by medication, while the latter is neither. We have the
symptoms but not the illness, and they originate in not in our brain's
faulty neurotransmitters, but in the other's behavior and our reaction
to it. . . Confronted with the unrelenting despondency and negativism of
the other's depression, we match it with a painful gloom of our own.
And when our love, sympathy, and support are rejected or ignored, we
slip into irritability and anger that mimic the depressive's"
See, I wasn't kidding when
I asked if depression is contagious. Somehow, there is relief and
validation in these words. I am not alone in my struggle against
depression while trying to help my son battle his.
There is a name for what ails me. Depression fallout. Is there no balm in Gilead?
Christmas was a mixed bag of
hope and despair for me. Son and I had a brief, but I felt valuable,
conversation riding over to a relative's house for Christmas Eve. That
night, son and I went together to midnight candlelight services.
Unfortunately, both were marred by the fact that he had not slept at all
the night before. At our family gathering, he fell asleep in my
brother's chair. Everyone kept asking me if he was okay. Later on, he
could not stay awake during the church service. I feared he would slump
over in the pew or fall into the aisle. Christmas Day saw longer car
ride out of state where the time was pleasant but otherwise
unremarkable.
I think he has been in his room for the two full days after Christmas.
Worst of all,
to my mind anyway, he procrastinated filling out some paperwork that
may have cost him a valuable career opportunity and at least for the
moment, feels like I spent and wasted $500 for updating immunizations
and obtaining a drug screening for this perhaps now squandered career
opportunity.
But see, this is where I need help.
Do I calmly point out that I am upset because he wasted opportunity and
money? I suppose throwing a fit would be counterproductive. Instead,
I asked him to empty the dishwasher and if he would have a job ready
for me by Monday morning -- seeing how I gave it to him a week ago.
How is a parent supposed to respond to the daily frustrations and despair of depression fallout?
Aside from the illness itself, one of the biggest challenges that a Christian suffering from depression encounters is myth, misconception, misunderstanding, and maybe even just plain ignorance on exactly what depression is. Some believers pronounce judgment by loudly claiming that anyone who has depression is not right with the Lord, or is lacking faith. That taking medication for depression is somehow not biblical, or that it is unnatural or unhealthy, or even a crutch or "happy pills."
When our child is the one who has depression, these misconceptions expand to include the idea that we, as parents, have failed in some way: that we didn't take our children to church often enough, soon enough, or memorize enough Scripture, homeschool them, et cetera.
Now, I am not a doctor. I don't even play one on TV. But I have experienced depression and anxiety personally, seen it in family members, and live with my child who suffers daily from it. And I have researched it and read books trying to learn how to best help my son.
What depression IS NOT:
1. All in their head, or all in your head
2. Laziness or lack of motivation or effort
3. Strictly a spiritual issue or lack of faith
4. Sign of a weak mind or lack of intelligence
5. Something you can rationalize or reason with
6. It is not your fault.
Depression is a real illness and involves -- no, it overwhelms every part of a person. Depression is physical and it is psychological, and often has a spiritual component or may grow to have a spiritual component to it. Because our bodies are fearfully and wonderfully made, and our body, soul, mind, and spirit are incomprehensibly intertwined, it is difficult to say where the physical illness ends or the psychological and the spiritual begins. I also think that it is also a case of "which came first, the chicken or the egg."
Physical causes for depression can be: genetic make-up, biochemical factors (the chemistry of the brain), hormonal influences, seasonal factors (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and illness or physical disease.
Did you know that you are more likely to have depression if you have a first-degree relative who has depression? And the likelihood is even a higher percentage if the depression is bipolar.
Depression is a matter of brain chemisty, low levels of norepinephrine, serotonin, and/or dopamine.
Hormonal imbalances can cause depression. Stress triggers increased levels of the hormone, cortisol, which can cause depression. Think also of a woman's monthly hormonal fluctuations, and we know that estrogen and progesterone affect mood. In men, low testosterone levels can cause depression.
Some physical illnesses are known to be linked to depression. Studies show that patients diagnosed with coronary heart disease or vascular disease (involving blood vessels) are likely to have depression, as are those with hypothyroidism or Cushing's syndrome.
My first bout with depression was a direct result of mitral valve prolapse.
Of course, it is easy to see that depression can be the result of psychological causes, such as rejection, heartbreak, grief, stress. But here is where the psychological can turn physical.
Suppose your husband comes in and tells you that due to your shortcomings, he is filing for divorce. As you grieve over days, weeks, or longer, his negative words play over and over in your mind. Over time, these repeated thought patterns actually form neural pathways in your brain, creating a sort of super highway or a "path of least resistance" where your thoughts will naturally begin to turn at any given moment. A cleared path through the forest undergrowth. A rut.
If you are old enough to remember playing records on a record player, perhaps it is easy to think of a scratched record, where the needle would get stuck playing the same few words over and over and over again until someone intervened by physically moving the needle.
Whether you believe your child's illness started off as physical, psychological, or spiritual, these components all feed off one another. Chicken-and-egg. Body-mind-spirit. Round and round they go.
The problem with trying to address the psychological or spiritual components first, is that the depressed mind is not working correctly or functioning rationally. Like trying to reason with someone who has had too much alcohol to drink, we must first sober them up, put them in a physical position where their mind is working correctly, before we can address other issues.
Do not hesitate to seek and encourage medical intervention. Do not be ashamed or afraid of anti-depressants. They very well may be the first step in stopping the merry-go-round that is depression.
Here is a link to click to Prevention's depresson quiz. Click here!
Above all, pray!
Be unceasing in prayer [praying perseveringly]; Thank [God] in everything [no matter what the circumstances may be, be thankful and give thanks], for this is the will of God for you [who are] in Christ Jesus [the Revealer and Mediator of that will].
1 Thessalonians 5:17 (The Amplified Bible).
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Much of today's research is from the book, "When Someone You Love Has Depression: A handbook for family and friends by Barbara Baker
