If you've ever listened and paid attention to the flight attendant's instructions on what to do in case of emergency, you will know that parents are instructed to first put on their own oxygen mask before attempting to help your child put theirs on. It does seem selfish somehow, or counterintuitive. But it is wise advice. If you lose consciousness, who then is left to help your child?
The same is true for living with a depressed child. But instead of needing oxygen to breathe, we just need to remove ourself from the radioactive depression fallout. To breathe fresh air without depression polluting our air.
For me, it is the hardest thing to do. My son is an adult, quite capable of managing and mostly caring for himself. But dare I go away for a weekend? What if he forgets to eat, or decides that the effort of going into the kitchen and preparing something and then eating it is overwhelming? What if he suddenly comes out of his room and needs to talk it out and I'm not there? What if something happens and he plunges down to suicidal depths?
For me, it is the hardest thing to do. My son is an adult, quite capable of managing and mostly caring for himself. But dare I go away for a weekend? What if he forgets to eat, or decides that the effort of going into the kitchen and preparing something and then eating it is overwhelming? What if he suddenly comes out of his room and needs to talk it out and I'm not there? What if something happens and he plunges down to suicidal depths?
I stand before you as the parent who did not put her own oxygen mask on first. After that scary phone call from the mental health facility, I became afraid to leave my son alone. Which, in hindsight sounds almost comical, given that he never leaves his bedroom and is in there alone with the door always closed.
His depression affects me profoundly and deeply. Depression fallout, indeed. It's radioactive. I began to realize that days would pass and I hadn't showered or left the house, choosing to work quietly in my home office, trying to get my human contact from Facebook. My weight got out of hand as I would wander in the kitchen and mindlessly find some pleasurable stimulation in a bag of chips or a plate of homemade nachos. I was staying up later and later watching mind-numbingly stupid television shows, and so I was sleeping later.
What a fun gal I am! My husband is a saint.
And when son leaves his room? He sees me, unshowered, sitting in a strange mix of clothing that I affectionately call my "clown suit." Sweats with a T-shirt that doesn't go, and socks that don't match either the shirt or the sweats, my way-old Birkenstocks. Dull eyes meet dull eyes, and I assure you, I am not helping him a single bit.
We need lifelines, you and I. Oxygen masks for us first so we can help our child put theirs on.
I hope you are praying for your depressive. Begin by praying first for yourself. That is number one on our list of lifelines.
The non-negotiables:
1. Pray for yourself. Ask God to help you trust Him to work in your loved one's life. Our Heavenly Father is a much better and stronger God than you and I could ever be. Release your loved one into His hands. Pray for God's protection over your own mind.
2. Read your Bible every day. If you don't know where to start, there are plenty of reading plans and word studies online you can begin with. Just Google it. I hope to post later on some helpful hints for personal Bible study, journaling, and prayer time.
3. Get out of the house every day. Take the time to breathe air that is not polluted by radioactive depression fallout. Even if it is to walk the dog, plant flowers in a flower box on your porch, watch the squirrels, go to the gas station to put gas in your car.
Negotiables, pick and choose:
4. Join something that requires your repeated involvement and attendance. It could be a weekly Bible study group, a yoga class, a twice-a-month support group, Weight Watchers, a mall-walking club. Bible study groups are free, support groups are free, walking clubs are free if you cannot afford any kind of group with a membership charge.
5. Treat yourself from time to time. Depending on your financial situation, you may have to skim from your grocery list. Try generic diapers a couple of times and pocket the savings. Use a coupon and pocket the savings. Try a meatless dinner or packing your lunch to carry to work so that you have a little splurge money. Groupon frequently has offers for mani/pedi services. Go to a coffee shop and get a cup of gourmet coffee and people watch.
6. Find a support group that specializes in helping families of mental illness. I was delighted to discover that NAMI has support meetings twice a month that meet right down the street from me. Hubby does not care to go, but I must. I can't wait to go to my first meeting.
7. Find a confidante who is not living under the same roof with you and your depressive. Fresh perspective is valuable.
8. Sing! Download praise music with a lively beat and walk around the block. If you don't have an iPod, most phones now days have the ability to play music. Or turn up your car radio and go for a drive.
9. Paint your bedroom. Or living room. Or your kitchen counters.
10.Volunteer at an animal shelter or nursing home.
The possibilities are endless.
It's not selfish to care for yourself. You're no help to your loved one if you're incapacitated.
Even Paul instructed Timothy to take care of himself:
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